Change The Rules


Change The Rules

I was deep into the technical aspects of my laptop, wrestling with email client, defining new rules by which I would send and receive emails, and the thought struck me: wouldn’t it be neat if we just “changed the rules” in our relationships? I also want to acknowledge my good friend Bob Burgee from www.Stylemetrics.com who has also written on this subject.

I have had the privilege of coaching sessions with Bob to enhance my understanding of the subtle, yet logical changes we need to take to be effective with our team and people around us.

Many leaders encounter all types of people in their work and one of the challenges is to get along with everyone. With hidden agendas, behind your back types and aggressive behaviours, people can be really difficult to handle.

Getting along with all types is not an easy skill and more often, leaders find themselves dealing with difficult people within difficult circumstances.

The key is to recognise our power and role within the relationships we have.

We can change the rules of the way we perceive a person and how we send and receive messages from them.

Rule Change 1: Acceptance not Resistance

We can choose to accept people for who they are right now and focus on their merits and their strong points. We can become interested in what we have in common, rather than only our differences. Fighting against the way people are only causes you (and them) stress. Disliking someone is a form of resistance that wears us down, over time.

Rule Change 2: Drop the Judgements

Put all judgements into the Junk Folder. All the time we are judging someone, we are setting ourselves up to be judged. A better way to go is to be soft on people’s shortcomings and make allowances for these. Instead of judging, embrace our differences more and smile at how different people can be.

Rule Change 3: Positive Messages not Negatives

Censor yourself when communicating negatives. Whenever you communicate, send out positive messages in your body language and in the words that you choose. Be aligned to your messages internally (congruency) and you will show it outwardly too. Make this a habit.

Rule Change 4: Assertiveness not Anger

Many people get assertiveness and anger mixed up. Whenever you find yourself getting angry with someone, ask yourself this: “What do I want right now?” “What is it that is causing me to lose my composure?” In this way, you’ll become more strategic in your dealings with people and be able to handle those tricky situations with skill and finesse.

None of the above is easy, however this is where the true gold is, if you are prepared to dig for long enough.As Bob Burgee says:

“The greatest power you have over the behavior of another is your own behavior. ” (Being American, Bob spells it incorrectly, but we forgive him)

Take care

Mervyn Murray

These days you can find me on:

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Email:           Mervyn@masteri.co.uk

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#collaboration #conflict #teambuilding #relationships #Teamwork #emotionalintelligence

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